Be Salty

A few months ago on family vacation, I had an experience that for most people would have been exciting, exhilarating, even just plain ol’ fun.  For me this experience was none of that, and the anxiety from it lasted months.  It was affecting me in all aspects of my life, and, frankly, I was behaving like a jerk.  I should probably have spelled that out in all caps because I was truly a joy to be around.  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?  I was snarky, and mean, and cynical at best. 

My amygdala, the part of your brain in control of the fight-flight-freeze response was trying to do all three at the same time. It felt like my amygdala was on fire.  I spent a lot of time asking God why He would allow me to be in such a space.  It felt so unnecessarily dramatic.  I knew He had a reason for it, but I couldn’t understand. 

Until one day I did. 

Very clearly. 

I was in anxiety mode because I didn’t trust. 

Not God. 

Not myself. 

Not anyone. 

Not anything.

That wasn’t the gut-punching part for me.  I’m not the most trusting person in the world.  That’s not new information.  The part I struggled with was not trusting God.  In my core I knew I DID trust Him.  He has given me so many opportunities to know that He is worthy of my trust.  The part that caught my breath was the new understanding that maybe I didn’t want to trust him.

If I trust God then I have to take the leap. 

If I trust Him then I have to step into the scary. 

If I trust the Lord, then I have to do the thing I don’t want to do.

Trusting in Him would impel me into action. So, in my stubbornness, I told myself I had no one to lean on because if I acknowledged that I had God on my side—that I wasn’t alone, that I had His strength and protection at the ready—then I would have to find my courage and bravely take the next step. I didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to do big things.  I wanted to stay in the background and live peacefully and quietly while others did the big things. 

The longer I allowed myself to act like God was not trustworthy, the more unsettled I became.  I tried doing things my way and not surprisingly, this is where Satan crept in.  It was already the enemy feeding my thoughts of doubt and inability, but when I leaned into those thoughts, he stepped up his game.  He came at me with what felt like all of his might.  In my attempt to create something without cooperating with God, in my own selfishness, and leaning on my own understanding, I lost all joy and happiness.  I lost my sense of self.  There was no peace anywhere to be found.   I was the salt that had lost all its taste. (Matthew 5:13)

I had this conversation with God.  I told Him everything I’ve just told you, but with a little more attitude and eye-rolling.  He responded as any good counselor does.  He smiled and asked me, “So, how’s that working for you?”

I cried as I buried my face in my hands.  I cried for betraying Him.  I cried for betraying myself.  I cried because I allowed myself to be fooled, and prideful, and arrogant, and cruel.  I cried because I was disobedient.  And I cried because I allowed myself to become everything I am not.  I was not acting in love, with kindness and confidence. 

In that space, God gently asked me to play the “what-if” game, but opposite of how I usually play.  I always play it with the negative in mind, but He challenged me to play it with the positive in mind.  Just IMAGINE if…

IMAGINE the possibilities if you do the scary thing?

IMAGINE the possibilities if you take the leap?

IMAGINE the possibilities if you lean on me and my strength?

IMAGINE the confidence you’ll have if you allow yourself to trust me.

Just IMAGINE all the things we can do TOGETHER.

This was the shift in perspective I needed. There was a lightness and a feeling of calm steadiness within my heart that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I was starting to believe in the person God says I am.

I’m sure this is a heavy blog to read.  It was a tough one to write.  But I know there are many of you who have shared a similar experience, and I don’t want you to lose your saltiness because what good are we to Him if we lose flavor?  That’s a “what if” game that I don’t want to know the answer to.

I want to live in the world of possibility and light, fully flavored with love and joy.  That’s why Christ died for me and for you.  I know this isn’t Eden or Heaven.  There will be struggles and pain, but I can choose to face them with God by my side and feel the confidence and peace that only He can give, or I can ignore Him and go back to the dark and glum.  The choice is mine, and I choose to be salty... the really good Himalayan stuff, too.

Just IMAGINE the possibilities if we all chose to be salty with Him!

Wishing you Love, Light, and Saltiness!

Leah

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